past

sometimes in life they say out past comes back to haunt us. but i dont understnd isnt tht text only ment to refer to thoese that either didn deal wit their past o more accpt it. i guess in som subconcious level i still dont let go of some aspects of my life. but see thts my problem i dont see my past hauntings as hugely regrtable things i mean sure i wish it didnt happn but i dont regrt tht it didn happn since truely im happy as i am ryt now and i cudnt b more thrilled and i wud b this person since the bits of are past make up wht stands in the present. tody my ex called me .. heheh first he asked me bak so i told him to fly a kite and then he told me tht im juz tryin to say no to define him n over power him since he haad done so to me.. to make him feel as weak and to have ur needs and cry outs faded and unseen. i dont understnd why i didn hang up n listen to him harases me and reread the chapters of which days he took lead role at point. intrestingly enough i find tht he misses me, tht psychopathic ingrate acutally is dieing at the loose of power over controllin me.and i acutally today was one of them days where u get the momnt of realisation. i knew this cus he knew in the same details as i did on a day tht i cud never forget. my worst memory wit him is actually haunting him more deeply than me :D which is very very pleasin honstly. he'd beat me countless time b4 tht day nd countless times aftr but tht day the way he laughted the way he lookd and held my up agaist the wall. i rember tht he'd ac'd the room so the wall were cold upagainst my cheeks. and him hand almost clawin my shoulder and crumpling my shirt as his arm pushed up against the back of my neck. i refused to wail o cry as i usually never did. i resorted to biting down on my lower lip until sum times the salt metal taste of my own blood nutralised the occational tear tht leakd loose from my eye. i remeber i always felt tht if i didn wail n cry o cry they way i did wen sum1 really hurt me mentally i wud not b givin him the rights he so forcfuly wanted to claim. i always felt tht if i didn cry the way it matter i still had the last say o more idea tht he'd not won nd the part of me tht made it matter to me was always gonna b true. i rember it was diffrnt tht night cus his belt hit me much more long lastingly. he usually had beat me a few mins o so and then run off . but this time i felt tht he enjoyd it n took him time. and i think it was abt the 14th hit tht i wailed out for the firsst time looked up at him and said if u want to do this at least face me n look me in the eye coward. befor i broke down and cried. i dunno y he almost lik the demond lost grip and the humn in him juz was smacked wit truth. he broken down n cry'd and i watch'd in shock. i didn touch him in pitty nor did i let his reachin hand touch me i push'd bak n got up and went to tak a shower to wash of wht bloody lashs were on my bak. he remember everything to the point i looked above him head n walk right through him. i remember was on of the first days the belt stopp'd hurtin lik his tears were a sadative. i was foolishly and stupidly misguidedly and illut'd to believ tht i was in love. and to point i do believ i did love him irrationaly desipte the one great bad he did tht realy does cancel all gud he'd done. but still i forgave him for myslf for my content tho i never frget. but i smiled today becus my haunted past brought a message tht was punishment to my pain. tho no punishmnt cn undo my endurance i knw tht he lives evrydy wit regrt for loosin me. and the memory of my worst momnt with him is lasting him a life time.a memory he'll never forget nor stop suffrin for.
anyway sometimes wen the past haunts us it leavs us wit a smile and clossure o the feel better o feel good feature :) :P